he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
