You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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