We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
they need to just BURY HIM!
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
