found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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