You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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