Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Someone shattered a urinal.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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