Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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