I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
