Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
