Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
