"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
