theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
