Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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