We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize