My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
