Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
