Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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