There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
