They should really pass out barf bags in church
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
