Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
