I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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