I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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