forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
