Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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