My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Come on in and take your pants off
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