Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
