Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
