I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
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