I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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