i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
