You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
