I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
