if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
