"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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