I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
whose parrot is this?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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