So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
