Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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