I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
