It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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