I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
