Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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