living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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