She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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