you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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