White coat. Heels.
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You were trust falling into bushes
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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