Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
