You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
