We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
