Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
