i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
is wine microwaveable?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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