So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
