no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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