I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
