i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
