apparently the secret to your success is patron
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
There's always time for handjobs
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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