I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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