I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
