I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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