I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
