If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
