We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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