In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
