3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Randomize
